Thursday, July 31, 2008
I have been praying...and Praying...and pRaying...and prAying...and praYing...and...PRAYing......over "IT"...
I have been waiting for "IT"...yet dreaded the actual moment when I would be receiving "IT"...
Before this, I had toiled and laboured long and hard over "IT" - spent sleepless nights and endless days just to give "IT" my very best (even though I am terrible at "IT" - so, my "best", actually, is still not That good)...
THE LETTER that contained THE ANSWER is Finally HERE - the long awaited answer...to one of my prayers, to my parents' One Prayer, to my family's prayers...
All this while, I have been dreading and worrying that I may be getting a Third Class (“三流的”...?)...and I had been praying to God: Lord! ANYTHING But Third Class...!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeasssse~~!! Ne Ebi kun just teased me the other day saying that fortunately there is no Ninth Class...(“第九流”...) and yet, “下流二等” doesn't sound any better than “三流的” or “第九流”...aikz......
But, anyway, I REALLY, REALLY GIVE THANKS TO GOD!!! That I Finally GOT it ...(aye...even though it is “下流” + “二等”...) Thanks be to GOD!!! That all the time and effort I spent still produced a "crop" for "harvest"...that everything I have done didn't just go to waste and flow into the great ocean...Thank You so much, Lord...and THANK YOU for hearing and answering our prayers, however impossible they had seemed...(with my results the best I could hope for would be simply a Pass, ie a Third Class...and yet, He gave me something more than what I deserved - He gave me what I had been praying for all this while - something higher and better than Third Class, ie a Lower Second Class...) It is really better than what I had dared to hope for...(aye, even though I have been "grumbling" and "complaining" about the class awarded, I am REALLY, REALLY Thankful for it - just don't understand why they have to grade it in accordance to classes...a simple "Honours" Without the extra frills would have been Perfect - hmm...I suppose I would never understand this...)
Having known my result, Wind had been teasing me over it for days with cheeky remarks such as: Whoa...The first degree holder in four generations in our family wo...Be careful not to get your nose up so high that you walk into poles when you are walking along the street aaa...or fall into a man hole...or step onto a pile of dog-poo...or trip over your own feet and fall headlong - which you are "expert" in...or......or......or......etc...etc...etc...... (Hahaha...)
As for Dad, he was so thrilled when I revealed the news to him that he called up his mum (ie my grandmother) instantly to tell her all about it, and he couldn't sleep and couldn't stop smiling for days on end, and finally Mum got so tired of seeing him flashing his teeth all the time (it's been a few days now and according to Mum and Wind, he still couldn't manage to shut his mouth properly...) that she Simply Had To "complain" about Dad to me...
Haha...well, that's my wacky family...Anyway, from these various responses and reactions I am able to gather that they are well-pleased and happy...(even with a “下流二等”榮譽...aikz...)
Lord, I give You thanks and I give You praise...All glory, and honour, and power, and might, belong to You forever and ever and from everlasting to everlasting...Thank You for hearing us, and for answering our prayers...Thank You so much...for Everything...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Our LAST share group gathering...after this...No More...
We will "multiply"...
It felt like our first gathering - we began with Icebreaker, then praise and worship, then sharing - We haven't been doing this for a very long time...
The "trademark" of our share group gathering - a game known as "Come-Mean-Toy" (I don't know what language it is, nor what the name means...), played using poker cards. At the end of the game, you will be able to realise at least two things: who is the swiftest and most alert in the group, and also who is the sleepiest...hahaha...
In the end, I lost the game...and was sentenced to singing the national anthem standing outside at the balcony as punishment. But...everything didn't go quite the way they were supposed to go...coz...I ended up in tears and shocked everybody...Some thought perhaps the punishment was too harsh to me and I had a fright when I learnt that I was to sing aloud at the balcony; some thought I was stressed out with some kind of problems... - sorry, all incorrect...Hahaha...Hmm...seems like my share group doesn't know me very well yet...and it was our last gathering!! I don't simply cry in front of people over such petty affairs...
My sentimental side...I seldom allow it to surface...(I don't like it, coz somehow it makes me feel that I am weak and feeble...)
It was our LAST gathering!!!
I tried hard to just "be normal" and "just treat it as any other share group gatherings" we have had before...but...well...
Actually, I knew long before that this day of parting would come...I was prepared for it (or so I thought). I never expect myself to react like this, though - Never!! To be honest, I was shocked by my own reaction even!!
I tried really hard to suppress the emotions that were building up within me throughout...When I learnt that we were going to begin with Icebreaker, my mind instantly flashed back to our first gathering, and how far we've come together...through storms and blizzards and worse...and it struck me that: This is the LAST time we do Icebreaker Together! This is the LAST time we play "Come-Mean-Toy" with each other like This...!
As we proceeded with the game whilst joking and talking crap and telling lame jokes and pulling each other's leg as usual, I realised: This is the LAST time we tease each other Together...like This...! And when I had lost: This is the LAST time that I lost a game I play with THEM...the LAST game with THEM...!!! Then, as everyone clamoured for me to "proceed" with the punishement, my heart told me: This is the LAST time they tease me Together like THIS...(I am going to miss all these so much...! Yes, I will even miss being teased by THEM...) and, This is the LAST time that they are so "united" - one heart, one voice - in doing one thing, ie urging me to be "executed" with the punishment...hahaha...well, that was the last straw...
My stronghold just crumbled after that...everything I had been withholding within tumbled forth... - the floodgates burst open...and...I couldn't shut it again...I tried to force the tears back - innumerous times, yet each time I was overwhelmed...
It was the first time I experienced a really, really "teary" praise and worship... - our LAST praise and worship Together...!! - thinking of that induced more tears to come to my eyes and they started falling even faster than ever before!!
I tried to recompose myself during sharing time...yet...when it was my turn to share and I opened my mouth...no words came out... - I felt a great lump in my throat...then, tears took over...once again...I had to stop a few times during my sharing because I couldn't go on, then continued when I managed to regain my composure a little...This is the LAST time that we share our hearts out sitting in a circle Together like This... - and, well, that thought, of course, brought forth yet more tears...
I felt like a broken water tap that day... - no matter how hard you try to turn off a broken tap, there will still be a leak - drops of water will still be dribbling...if you try to screw it tighter, the tap will slip, and the water, which had initially been trickling down in droplets only, will then gush out like falls...
We have gone through so much together...THEY are my family here... - They threw their door wide open and received me in when I was met with closed doors everywhere else...They walked with me, supported me, encouraged me, helped me, stuck with me...during the darkest times of my life...They showed me what true love and real family means...They held me fast when I was gradually slipping away from the arms of God...They were there for me and with me when I could no longer see God...when I could no longer feel God's presence...They suffered and went through it all with me...They suffered...coz they were in this battle with me...! Even when I told them to just let me go - seeing them being pressed down by the troubles that came with the commitment - as I really can't bear to see people suffering because of me, they refused!!! They just shut me up with this verse: "When a shepherd who has one hundred sheep lost one sheep from his flock, he leaves the ninety-nine sheep and goes in search of that one sheep...UNTIL he finds it and brings it back to the flock again." They SIMPLY REFUSED to Give Up on me...EVEN when it meant they Had to walk with me down the Same, dark, perilous path...fight with me...suffer much with me...They chose to fight with me in my battle... - mine...not theirs! Yet they were willing to fight it...with me...for me...I know a lot of people would have just let me go...just like that...and I don't blame them...coz it's a really difficult journey...we didn't even know what we would meet then...or what we would be up against...but THEY chose to follow the road less taken...they chose to be with me when it would be so much easier for them to just abandon me instead...and...because they Wouldn't Give Up on me, I Couldn't Give Up, either...! How COULD I give up on my own life When there are people around me who WANT So Much for me to stay alive and continue to live? It was their determination to hold me fast NO MATTER WHAT that in turn spurred me to hold on to God, no matter what...(even when I was in great and constant doubt then...) Honestly, I was really, really, really, really touched by them...
And, they came to my rescue everytime they received my S.O.S. ...hmm...they know me well in this One thing: I Simply WON'T ask for help Unless or Until I am in a Really "critical" condition...
I knew that God placed us together for a purpose. I also know that no matter how far apart we may be from each other, we will always remain right here in each other's heart...always...
During our LAST gathering, at one point PangPang became concerned coz I couldn't stop crying that he tried to cheer me up: "Remember that burger last week? If you stop crying I'll treat you to one for dinner later..." Well, I did manage to stop in the end...Thanks be to God! Else I'd be pouring at mamak and then I'd frighten more people...! And...as good as his promise, PaPa Pang REALLY Did treat me to a burger for dinner...! Wakakaka...So touched...blessed...(initially I had thought he meant it as a joke, really) but then...it reminded me that this would be our "LAST supper" together...and that brought fresh tears to my eyes all over again...
Thanks be to God:
(I) I thank God that I didn't flood Tracy's house with my tears...Haha...
(II) I thank God that I managed to (or rather, He helped me to) stop crying while I was still in Tracy's car on the way to dinner after our gathering - I managed to stop before we reached our destination...Thank God I didn't flood her car, too...
(III) I thank God for this beloved family of mine...
(IV) I thank God for everything He has given us - for good things and bad, for joy and for sorrows, for laughter and for tears...I thank You, Lord, for all the blessings You have showered upon us, for shining Your light in our lives, for being with us through it all...and...for calling us Your Children...Thank You, Lord...thank You so much...
"I think they think I am a gay..."
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Instantaneously, I tried to reach for a paper-handkerchief from the tissue box at the counter-top with my other hand...struggled for quite a while before someone helped got it for me...Covered my "Liverpool fan" finger and applied pressure on it. Meanwhile, asked around for the church medical kit (as there is no more bandage in the cafe drawer) and rummaged through it...struggled for a long while once more until some church member lent out a helping hand and helped found me a bandage...Managed to unwrap the bandage with one hand...then thought: bleeding SHOULD have ceased by now...? Lifted the paper-handkerchief to take a peek - Hmm...still flowing like waterfall! The paper-handkerchief was already soaked with my generous outflow of haemoglobin - bright red patch against a white background - attractive colour combination~! No choice, covered the wound again and re-applied pressure upon it...Waited for a really long while this time before checking on it again - bleeding was receding, though a tiny stream of blood was still dribbling - wrapped bandage firmly over finger. Finally, was able to turn my attention back to the "abandoned" sandwiches...
Served at cafe for close to 6 or 7 hours with practically no rest - I only managed to "steal away" for a break when I had my lunch - the one time that I ever get to Really SIT down...! Thank God for chairs~! Was "operating" purely on "back-up battery power" in the afternoon...yet, when the time came for Captain Ball, I was "miraculously, instantaneously and automatically recharged"!
We were divided into 3 teams for the game and each team consisted of 10 members whereby 6 would be out in the court playing for the team during any one match (3 boys, 3 girls), with the remaining members on "stand by" as substitutes. Was assigned to be in one team with Rick, Johnson, Min Jun, Alvin, Yun Juok, Vei Ling, Meei Yi, Tracy, Vui Theng and Yi Wen - with Johnson being our team leader. Our team name is “一點通”, which, verbally translated, would be "MagicFinger" or "MagicTouch". We even created our very own special gesture for the team! Tried to play "with courtesy" during the first-half of the game - since Viktor da Lee said it was to be a "friendly match" - but, turned out that...some girls seemed wilder than boys in the game!! No choice...really had to "show them some colours" for the rest of the game...Alvin is the best keeper~!! His signature technique is the ability to catch a goal with only one foot remaining on the chair and his arms and body completely swayed to one side, and that is not all - he is able to hold that position for a minimum of 3 seconds!! Perfect balance!!! Kudos~Alvin!
We had a fantastic game. When it has ended, however, some of us haven't had enough yet, and formed teams of our own to continue playing the game...Haha...
At the end of the day, Captain Ball has "added colours" on to me, and I looked more "colourful" after the game than ever before - bruised black and blue - marks of accidents during the game...Didn't really realise that I was bruised until Kitt poked me gently in my shoulder with one finger in church afterwards (as she wanted to speak to me) - that poke really had the effect of “一點‘痛’” ("PainfulTouch") - and I jumped right out of the chair I was sitting on due to the sudden, excruciating pain! My spontaneous reaction shocked her so much that she jumped, too. Hahaha - we were like two kangaroos that had escaped from the zoo...
What I have gained (6th July, 2008):
(I) From the cafe incident
I realised that I could hardly do the simplest things on my own with only one hand - from trying to take a paper-handkerchief out of a tissue box to searching for a bandage in a medical kit - when I only have one hand to spare, I need other people to help me even with these very simple tasks...
God is using this incident to remind me that I can't do everything on my own. I am not saying that God had it in mind to make me get injured with the knife so that He can make me realise all these, but that out of every circumstance (no matter how bad or terrible it is), He will make sure something good comes out of it - things that will benefit us.
He reminded me that it is not good for me to always do things alone by myself, that I also need other people's help from time to time (maybe I have been too obstinate recently and always forced myself to go beyond my own limits and would only ever ask for help from others when I am really K.O. ...?)
He reminded me as to the reason why He placed us to live in a community and not lead a solitary life. I have been too headstrong and have overestimated my own ability all these while that, often I refused to ask others for help until I am in a really critical stage. If I continue to be like this, perhaps one day I might even be too proud to seek help until it is too late...God foresees everything and He revealed this to me, in His perfect timing...Thank You, Lord!
I just realised that I am the culprit who has used up all the bandages in the cafe - cafe had to sponsor one bandage to me almost every week - because somehow I always manage to add a nick or a cut to myself while helping out there...
Felt a slight unwillingness to dispose of the paper-handkerchief after I have bandaged my finger - seeing that I have "donated" so much of my blood to it - it's kind of wasteful to throw it into the dustbin...Farewell, "My Precioussss~~" bloody paper-handkerchief...kakaka...
One other thing I realised is that my blood actually has a very nice colour! I like the colour of my blood - it's scarlet - a really really pretty shade of red~~
(II) From the game of Captain Ball
(i) I came to realise that sometimes you just can't be too nice to everybody. In order to survive, you have to be flexible and try to act and move in accordance to your surrounding environment. Life in this world...sometimes you really have no options left but to treat others the way they treat you...Do not let others step down on you or take advantage of you. Christians should live a life that glorifies God but that doesn't mean we should become doormats. Stay intelligent and be flexible!
(ii) The arms that caught me when I fall...I was reminded of the Lord's loving arms when Crystal from the opposing team (playing as defender) caught me as I fell off from the chair trying to catch a goal while playing as keeper - after a couple of falls I think the others were worried I would get injured and advised that I switched position with another player from our team...
God reminded me re two things via this incident: first of all, Love your enemy (not that I see the opposing team as our enemy, just that this verse from the Scriptures suddenly struck my mind via this incident)- Even though we were from opposing teams, Crystal turned to me and said,"Don't worry, I'll catch you when you fall." I could see the light of sincerity illuminating her eyes as she said that...honestly, I felt so touched then... - touched by an angel...hahaha...secondly, God will always be there to catch us as and when we fall...ALWAYS! Because if men can do this for each other, how much more would God do this for us!! Thank You so much, Lord...
(iii) I finally have the opportunity to experience the saying "I jump, she jumps" - with Kitt...! Hahaha...we really did make each other jump, though it was rather unexpected...
I just realised how much I missed sports...and I have actually forgotten how sports can revive me...! I have always loved sports, and even though I may be tired, I will still welcome a game of sports - instead of making me more tired, sports has the amazing power of refreshing me...! Captain Ball has "awakened" my passion for sports again...
The "souvenirs" of the day:
(a) A rather deep wound on my finger measuring about 1/4 inch in length - the cafe knife "insisted" on leaving a mark on me every week...(this is the worst injury I had from the cafe so far...)
(b) Large and "beautiful" bruises on arm and leg - parting gifts from Captain Ball...Hey, not bad, now I have "proof" that I really did participated in the game~ Haha...
Whenever I begin to lose focus on God, He always draws me back to Him through the various trials and persecutions that I face...He constantly reminds me that I should always seek Him, commit to Him and depend on Him in all things no matter what...and that His promise stands forever...
"When I am weak, then I am strong, for You live within me..."
Thank You, Lord, for all the blessings that You have showered upon us...Hallelujah...
+God bless you all...+
Thursday, July 3, 2008
"I am sorry..."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
祇因為 來來去去都是單獨一個人 --- 習慣了
然而 作品卻每每因為如此 而受到眾人的青睞與好評
一直被外人公認為固執 孤僻 怪異
一路走來 尋尋覓覓 跌跌撞撞
我 在尋找 平衡點